The last day I had worked was in December before Christmas. My boss had been so kind as to give me some time off for family, and I am so thankful now that he did. After I had lost my son I was given, again, more time off. After the funeral I came to visit my work and share our story and photos. Everyone was very supportive and I am so lucky to have them. Today was my first day back to work since the passing of my son. It was easier then I expected. I was worried that I would be upset by all the happy people and their children and their mention of our last encounter when I was overjoyed about my pregnancy. A few people mentioned that I don't seem to be as happy as usual; I told them that I have had a rough start to my new year.
I had a hard time getting back into the schedule of it; I gave people the wrong receipts and put the wrong patients in the room with wrong files. I tried not to get frustrated but I can't help but feel useless. I missed working, I'm happy to be back, but I miss my son. I would be pregnant now, feeling him kick me in the sides as I type, feeling the heartburn and breast tenderness. I still can't understand how I could be here without him. It feels impossible to move on. I know time heals all and it has only been a month, but I don't think I'll ever feel better. There are times when I do not think about it and I relax, then I think of something that reminds me of him and I get upset that I couldn't stop it.
There was a baby boy this morning, a young one, about eleven months, who made me smile. He was looking right at me and all I could think was Bentley. That maybe it was him looking at me. I know it sounds silly but maybe he knows that I'm sad, and that I miss him so much! It upsets me to think about it. Because there is no way to know for sure, but I feel in my heart that he is here, and that he is trying to comfort me. I'm thankful for that.
I have been thinking lately that there must have been something I could have done. Something maybe I shouldn't have done. I'm confused, upset, disappointed and even though I am so happy he is at peace, I can't help but wonder what if... I know I made the right decision, seeing him, holding him and loving him was all I wanted. He had to know he wasn't alone; he had to know that mommy and daddy were right there. I regret not telling him that right away. I'm his mommy; he is my baby so why didn't I do everything I could have done? I didn't want him to suffer and even though his chances of survival were low, I should have tried right? I should have had faith that everything would work out for us.
All I could think about were the bad things, what if something were to happen to him and I lost him afterward. I couldn't put him through all that and lose him anyway. It would have been even harder on all of us. There was no guarantee that he would make it, even for a little while. I'm happy I didn't see him with all these tubes and needles. Josh was amazing, he is amazing. I'm so lucky to have him to talk to, and even then I don't want to speck of something that would upset him. We are so lucky that we could make that choice together and still be so close. There are so many couples that fall apart after the loss of a child because they didn't agree on what to do. How lucky are we that we could agree and make the choice together so quickly without regret.
I love my son, which is one thing that will never change. As the days go by, things do get easier, they get more special and it makes me happy that I am one day closer to my time, the time when I get to see my son again and love him and care for him longer then I ever would have on Earth. For now, I'll be happy I'm here, I'll miss him and remember him everyday and I'll cherish every moment I get with his father.
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