Bentley Micheal Perepeletza, His Story

It all started on the New Year’s Day 2011. I started feeling this tight abdominal pain. It was very uncomfortable but it would temporarily subside. I wasn't too worried thinking it would go away. I decided to wait and see what happens before alarming me. We had stayed up later than usual with my mom, stepdad, his daughter and her husband waiting to ring in the New Year and I had ate a lot so I figured my tummy was upset. I shrugged it off and went about my day normally. 

On January 2 2011 at about 5:30 pm I told Josh we needed to go to the doctor because of the pain wouldn't go away. When we got there I checked myself in while Josh parked the car. We waiting in the waiting room for a few minutes and I was called. I went to a little room and had my heart rate checked and was asked a few questions about what was wrong. Then I was put in a different room and asked to undress from the waist down so the doctor could do a pelvic exam. I lay on the bed covered up and shortly after the nurse came back in. She had a Doppler and found the babies heartbeat. I was told to get dressed again and wait for the doctor. He came in and sent me for urine and blood test. I went back into the waiting room with Josh and waited. The nurse came to us and asked me to go into the room we heard the heartbeat in. I insisted Josh come with me. The doctor came in and told us it was a Urinary Tract Infection. He sent us home with some medication.

When we got home, we were on our computers and I took the medication the doctor sent with us. Shortly after I had to go lay down because the pain did not stop.  After lying down for a while I felt like I had to use the washroom so I walked to the bathroom. When nothing was coming out, I felt this pressure as though something was coming out of me and I felt down. There was a bulge of something. I screamed for Josh. I told him something was coming out of me and asked him to look. He said no. I told him to look again because I could feel it. He looked shocked. We rushed back to the hospital and when I was trying to tell them what had happened I started bawling, I knew something was wrong. I was taken back to the small room; heart rate checked and then put in another room. When I was asked to undress I noticed the panty liner in my underwear was soaked with blood. I began to panic. I could still feel the bulge and that I was bleeding. My legs were shaking like crazy. The doctor came in and felt, he said he felt the head, that I was in labor and need to be rushed to the Royal Alexander in Edmonton. I was sent by ambulance. My mother, who was visiting in Vegreville at the time and lives in Edmonton, came in the ambulance with me because Josh and I both knew he could get there faster behind me then she could.

 When we got there one of the nurses hooked me up to a Doppler and they listened to his heart. I could feel him kicking the whole time. Then we were rushed to the delivery room and had an ultrasound. My cervix was open and the membrane was coming out, bringing baby with it. They told me they would try to hold off labor and inject steroids in me to help him grow in the morning, so he has a better chance. They tilted my head towards the ground to take the pressure off my cervix in hopes to buy some time. Then they gave me a shot of morphine and a catheter and left. All we could do now was wait.

The pain never went away. It was continuous. Josh took my mom home, and all I remember was praying and praying Bentley wouldn't come before he got back. I asked my nurse for a pillow to support my side and when I would finally get comfortable, the pain would get worse, making it unbearable to cope. All I could do was think. Left there with my thoughts I wondered why, how. 

Josh returned, and no baby yet, thank god! Josh held my hand for a little while and I asked him to go get me some ice to chew on. I chewed a few pieces every few minutes. Suddenly I got this strange feeling. I told him to get a nurse because I felt very uncomfortable. The OB came in and said probably within the next three hours we would have a baby. The pressure I was feeling felt different, felt like I could feel it pushing itself out. I felt the membrane again. I made Josh go get my nurse. The nurse came in and as she was looking to see if she could see the membrane, my water broke. I remember hearing "he's right there, I see the head! Josh push the red button!" Before I knew it he was right there. Several nurses and women from the neonatal unit arrived.

At 4:28 am on January 3 2011 Bentley Micheal Perepeletza was born. He lived for ten minutes but was loved for an eternity. When I close my eyes I can still see him, squirming and grabbing. He is perfect. Josh and I looked at one another and both said how small he is and how much we love him but don't want him to suffer. The doctor cut his cord and whisked him away. Then we literally had five seconds to decide whether or not to revive him. It took everything we had to decide not to. I wanted to remember him just like that. Our only demand was to hold him right away.

We took our time with Bentley before we called anyone. I took a picture with my phone and messaged the people who were close to us through the pregnancy and announced his birth. They were shocked, asked who's baby it was, and insisted he was not mine, not yet. I calmed myself down enough to call my mom and tell her I had givin birth to our son. She was devestated and upset that she left so early. She was mad at herself for not staying. I told her that when he can, Josh will pick her up and bring her to the hospital again. Josh bought us breakfast sandwichs from the Tim Hortons in the cafeteria and we ate together. One of the texts I sent was to my best friend Tina. She was crushed, in disbelief she cried. When I called I asked her to stop by the hospital before school that morning. She ensured me she'd be there.

The nurse brought in a memorial box for us along with a teddy bear and a little blue hat and balnket perfect for Bentley. We did his foot and handprints for keepsakes. We cuddled him together, we cried and smiled. We gazed at him like time had frozen. We rocked him and talked to him. Nurtered him and enjoyed him.

When Tina arrived Josh left to go get my mom. As soon as I seen her, I cried. I was happy to see her but devestated. The last time we saw one another we were maternity clothe shopping, so excited. Her mother came too, along with our friend Megan. She was amazing and very supportive. Tina's mom is like a second mother to me. I love her with all my heart and I know it was devestating for her to see me hurting so bad, but I was greatful she was there. They all comforted me. She saw the hat and blanket the hospital gave us and encouraged me to put it on and wrap him in it. I told him he is the most handsome boy I have ever seen and more perfect then I could imagine. I was getting sore; I had been lying down since the hospital in Vegreville, so I decided to take a short walk around the maternity floor to stretch. It was hard to hear the babies heart's that were being monitored, just hours ago I could hear Bentley's. Tina and Megan had decided to go to the Tim Horton’s in the cafeteria and get some munchies. They brought me back a cappuccino and a teddy bear and carnations from the gift shop. It was incredibly thoughtful. We had a good visit, she got to hold him and love him just as we did and she and mom were upset to leave.

I was happy when my mom came. I needed her and so did Josh. I can't describe how it felt to see her so sad. When she walked in and saw me holding my son, her baby’s baby, her grandson in my arms and how heartbroken I was, it destroyed her. She was our biggest supporter through the pregnancy. She enjoyed every minute feeling him kick and seeing our smiles and excitement. She was there for our first ultrasound when we saw our little boy for the first time. She had walked the baby isles of Wal-Mart with us, looking at all the baby clothes and items we wanted. It's as though she felt warmth at the peace in his face.

Saying goodbye was the hardest part. We had taken off the hat and blanket to keep for ourselves, but wrapped in so gently in a soft blanket. We kissed him a million times, said we love you and cried. We took as many last pictures as we could and when we finally could, we kissed him a few last times, took deep breathes, place him sweetly in the basinet and tried with everything we had to walk away. Not even out the door and we wanted to run back and pick him up. Walking through the hall I felt dysfunctional. I imagined this walk, but with smiles and a car seat...

The ride home felt impossible. We had been up all night and I was exhausted. But I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to think about my baby. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and go back. I wanted to remember everything.  I couldn't focus. I didn't know what to say, what to do or how to act.

 The shock itself was unbearable. I felt like I was dreaming the whole time and it only continued. I begged to wake up and be lying beside Josh, pregnant. Unfortunately, it's real. I still feel like I'll wake up, like it's all one big nightmare. I miss him; there are no words to describe the way I feel. I never want to feel like this again. Everything was supposed to be perfect. We had set up the crib, bought his first outfit, the car seat and stroller, there was no way this was fate. But here I am, babyless, watching all these mothers with the opportunities I never got. I'm sad, lonely and disappointed. I run it over in my head over and over. Everything I could have done differently. I never wanted this. But our son Bentley Micheal was Budded on Earth to Bloom in Heaven. <3