Thirteen Weeks, Letter To Bentley

Wednesday October 27 2010

This week I am thirteen weeks pregnant. Time is going by pretty fast. Your father is so excited he can hardly wait. He is going to make such a good dad. You'll be his little buddy, his everything. We have so many plans for you. I can't even express the way we feel about having you in our lives. One day when you are old enough we will tell you the story of the day we met. I'll tell you how your dad was so handsome and he took my breathe away. It was love at first sight. We have been through so much and we never knew what would happen next. I'll never stop loving him. He's perfect. We will be together forever. And when you get here we will have our fairy tale ending. All of us forever.

Twelve Weeks, Letter To Bentley

Thursday October 21 2010,

I am getting close to my second trimester. Twelve weeks along now. And I'm getting more and more excited. Only six more months. I got my license this week, on Monday to be exact. It went well, your dad was very supportive. He gave me the Cobalt  to drive and bought a 1995 Firefly. But when I was on my way to see Tina and Grandma, I drove into a truck and smashed the head light. I cried a lot but your dad helped me calm down and got the head light fixed. It cost more then I would have liked it too but it needed to be fixed. I have been pretty scared to drive but I have been trying. Your dad is the greatest man you will ever meet. He is caring, handsome, funny and he'll be an amazing father. He is a great man. Soon you'll learn all of these things for yourself.

Eleven Weeks, Letter To Bentley

October 14 2010

It's been eleven short weeks and I still can't wait! Thanksgiving was on Monday and we went to Grandma's for dinner, your Uncle Cody and Great Grandma Dubious were also there. It was a very good day and dinner was amazing. I worked yesterday. I wish I could work more, but on the other hand, I don't. You have been giving me back pain lately. I hope it goes away soon, but I was prepared for it. There isn't much going on this week, but next week we will be busy. I go for my license on Monday, get my flu shot, then on Tuesday I go to my councilor and I work Wednesday and Thursday. Friday all I have planned is relaxing. I am worried about what we are going to do with your room, it's a mess. I want to decorate it for you. I still can't wait till you get here. Everything will be so great. We will be the most perfect family. No matter what, your dad and I will always love you. Your our number one! Forever and ever.

Ten Weeks, Letter To Bentley

Friday October 8 2010

Today was my first prenatal appointment. It went very well. I got lots of magazines to read and some free stuff for you. I had my first pap smear and got tons of blood work done and a urine test. I went by myself because your daddy had to work. You're ten weeks now, and I am really excited to feel you move and see you on the ultrasound. That won't be for a little while yet, but soon enough you'll be waking us up in the middle of the night. It has been a great experience so far and I'm sure it'll only get better. Thanksgiving is this weekend. Lucky me daddy gets Monday off too. I want you to be healthy and big. I can't wait to hold you. There are so many people your dad and I want you to meet. Your such a blessing to us. We have been working hard to set up for you. Everything will  be perfect for you. I promise.

Nine Weeks, Letter to baby

Tuesday September 28 2010

Nine weeks and counting now baby. I'm still so excited to see you. There is a difference in my tummy size now and it's beautiful. I have been singing to you a lot lately. Yesterday your dad worked and I stayed home. on Sunday your dad, Grandma and I went to the Zoo. It was very busy. I wish you could have been there. It's hard to wait so long for you, but your worth the wait. I have my first prenatal appointment on October 8th and I hope it goes well. Dad and I talk about you all the time. our ideas for you, how we will raise you and what it will be like for us. You'll never be alone. We will forever love you unconditionally. We will let you grow and flourish into an amazing person. They say time will go by fast so I'm taking advantage of every minute. Everyone is going to love you and spoil you, especially your father. He already talks about the cute things you two will do together. We have many things to share with you. We love you very much and we want you to be healthy and safe.

Eight Weeks, Letter to baby

Saturday September 19 2010

I am eight weeks pregnant with you this week. I am as excited as ever. Your dad and I have used the past few weeks to get ready for you. We set up health insurance with Alberta Blue Cross. I have been getting lots of sleep while dad has been working very hard. It's weird going through all these hormones. It gets quite hard to deal with at times. Your father and I have noticed my breasts grow and have discovered they are very, very sensitive. I have a hard time sleeping at night for while and get headaches and fevers often. I have not yet noticed any growth in or of my uterus. I know you father is very happy and excited. He is very much anticipating being a dad to you. We always look at baby items in every store and we have lots of plans for you. I have always wanted a little girl, just like your Grandma will tell you see did. I think your dad is expecting a boy, but we will be happy either way. Autumn is the name we decided for a girl, and Bentley for a boy. We both agree that no matter your gender, your last name will be Perepeletza like your father's and soon, mine too.

Our Pregnancy

Josh and I found out we were expecting in August of 2010. We were so very excited we could not wait till we could be parents and we started planning right away. I made sure I set up an appointment to confirm the pregnancy, bought the proper prenatal vitamins and got all the papers necessary for Health Insurance. We knew right away that the spare room in our house would be the babies room.

My First Day Back...

The last day I had worked was in December before Christmas. My boss had been so kind as to give me some time off for family, and I am so thankful now that he did. After I had lost my son I was given, again, more time off. After the funeral I came to visit my work and share our story and photos. Everyone was very supportive and I am so lucky to have them. Today was my first day back to work since the passing of my son. It was easier then I expected. I was worried that I would be upset by all the happy people and their children and their mention of our last encounter when I was overjoyed about my pregnancy. A few people mentioned that I don't seem to be as happy as usual; I told them that I have had a rough start to my new year.

I had a hard time getting back into the schedule of it; I gave people the wrong receipts and put the wrong patients in the room with wrong files. I tried not to get frustrated but I can't help but feel useless. I missed working, I'm happy to be back, but I miss my son. I would be pregnant now, feeling him kick me in the sides as I type, feeling the heartburn and breast tenderness. I still can't understand how I could be here without him. It feels impossible to move on. I know time heals all and it has only been a month, but I don't think I'll ever feel better. There are times when I do not think about it and I relax, then I think of something that reminds me of him and I get upset that I couldn't stop it.

There was a baby boy this morning, a young one, about eleven months, who made me smile. He was looking right at me and all I could think was Bentley. That maybe it was him looking at me. I know it sounds silly but maybe he knows that I'm sad, and that I miss him so much! It upsets me to think about it. Because there is no way to know for sure, but I feel in my heart that he is here, and that he is trying to comfort me. I'm thankful for that.

I have been thinking lately that there must have been something I could have done. Something maybe I shouldn't have done. I'm confused, upset, disappointed and even though I am so happy he is at peace, I can't help but wonder what if... I know I made the right decision, seeing him, holding him and loving him was all I wanted. He had to know he wasn't alone; he had to know that mommy and daddy were right there. I regret not telling him that right away. I'm his mommy; he is my baby so why didn't I do everything I could have done? I didn't want him to suffer and even though his chances of survival were low, I should have tried right? I should have had faith that everything would work out for us.

All I could think about were the bad things, what if something were to happen to him and I lost him afterward. I couldn't put him through all that and lose him anyway. It would have been even harder on all of us. There was no guarantee that he would make it, even for a little while. I'm happy I didn't see him with all these tubes and needles. Josh was amazing, he is amazing. I'm so lucky to have him to talk to, and even then I don't want to speck of something that would upset him. We are so lucky that we could make that choice together and still be so close. There are so many couples that fall apart after the loss of a child because they didn't agree on what to do. How lucky are we that we could agree and make the choice together so quickly without regret.

I love my son, which is one thing that will never change. As the days go by, things do get easier, they get more special and it makes me happy that I am one day closer to my time, the time when I get to see my son again and love him and care for him longer then I ever would have on Earth. For now, I'll be happy I'm here, I'll miss him and remember him everyday and I'll cherish every moment I get with his father.

Josh and Katie, Our story

Our journey started in May of 2008. I remember seeing Josh for the first time.  I thought he was so silly. He was handsome, charming, humorous and smooth. He had a comeback to everything!  We were making fun of one another laughing and making jokes, not knowing that we would end up friends, never the less together. I couldn’t stay away. I went back to that park every day in hopes that he’d be there.  When we had exchanged numbers it was obvious that we were starting something great.

After that, we were hooked. My mother moved me to Vegreville a few months prior to our meeting and it was horrible. I felt so alone and lost without my old friends and big city. I never met anyone I could talk to or relate to like I could with Josh. I barely knew this boy yet I felt like I had known him for years. Our days became all about one another. Texting while at school, hanging out all evening and talking all night. It was special, it was unbelievable. We could just sit together and look at one another; I had never felt this way about anyone before.

When Josh decided to move out of his mother’s house and in with his best friend Wacey, I was so excited. We spent so much more time together and became so much closer. I got to meet all his friends and relax about being myself. We were impossible to separate! Every moment we could be together we would.

We still spent most of our time at the skate park; hanging around with friends and making the walk home last as long as we could. We would sit on the front step of my house and talk for hours. When I was asked inside by my mom we would take forever to say goodbye.

It wasn’t long before Josh and Wacey were offered jobs in Fort Saskatchewan to work with Wacey’s dad Ken and a construction company. We knew it would be hard on each other. We knew we wouldn’t be able to talk as much or see one another as often but we promised to make it work. Before saying goodbye we had one last special day together and in front of everyone at Capital Ex, he purposed to me. Of course I said yes but we both knew he still had to leave. Saying goodbye got even harder, we never knew the next time we would see each other.

About a week after they left, they came back for a visit. Summer wasn’t over yet, I still had a month before classes started so I decided to go to go with them. He worked long hours, every day was the same. He’d wake up at 5:30 am I’d help him get his stuff together, make sure he didn’t forget anything and go back to sleep. I would sleep till I felt like waking up and try to amuse myself. He would be gone so late, sometimes not getting home till nine or ten o’clock at night. Sometimes it felt like we got no time at all but every second counted. Summer went by so fast and it was time for me to go back home.

I started school and tried to occupy myself with anything to speed up time. A few weeks later, Josh had returned to Vegreville and told us he was going to stay. My mom let him stay with us until he could find a place of his home. It was perfect, he was home, we were happy and we were impossible to separate again. Not too much time passed and Josh got a job with a construction company in Vegreville and was working full time. We decided that we made enough money to get his own place and Josh asked if I would move in with him. Being so young I was worried about how I would feel, how my mom would feel and how Josh would feel being in a committed relationship. I was so happy. Things were going so well and I knew I didn’t want one second more away from him then I had too.

We began looking for houses. In the paper there were many ads, and after countless views and declines we thought it would be impossible for us to live together. Trying one last hopeful time we found an ad for a house that sounded perfect. We took my mom and went to go see it. It was the real deal, perfect for a couple like us, home like and warm, we loved it. After filling in all the papers, meeting the owner and moving in, it was ours. In less than eight months we went from getting to know each other, being friends, being in a relationship, engaged, to moving in together. It was getting serious really fast and we knew it would not be easy.  

It has been three years, more things to write then there is room on the internet. There has been pain, tears and heart ache, but joy, laughter and love. We struggled at times and felt like giving up, things felt impossible and hopeless, people would judge and get into our business but there has not been one moment that wasn’t worth it. There hasn’t been one smile that we didn’t enjoy or one tear that we never helped wipe. We love each other and although hard times are inevitable we are ready to face them, together. 

Bentley Micheal Perepeletza, His Story

It all started on the New Year’s Day 2011. I started feeling this tight abdominal pain. It was very uncomfortable but it would temporarily subside. I wasn't too worried thinking it would go away. I decided to wait and see what happens before alarming me. We had stayed up later than usual with my mom, stepdad, his daughter and her husband waiting to ring in the New Year and I had ate a lot so I figured my tummy was upset. I shrugged it off and went about my day normally. 

On January 2 2011 at about 5:30 pm I told Josh we needed to go to the doctor because of the pain wouldn't go away. When we got there I checked myself in while Josh parked the car. We waiting in the waiting room for a few minutes and I was called. I went to a little room and had my heart rate checked and was asked a few questions about what was wrong. Then I was put in a different room and asked to undress from the waist down so the doctor could do a pelvic exam. I lay on the bed covered up and shortly after the nurse came back in. She had a Doppler and found the babies heartbeat. I was told to get dressed again and wait for the doctor. He came in and sent me for urine and blood test. I went back into the waiting room with Josh and waited. The nurse came to us and asked me to go into the room we heard the heartbeat in. I insisted Josh come with me. The doctor came in and told us it was a Urinary Tract Infection. He sent us home with some medication.

When we got home, we were on our computers and I took the medication the doctor sent with us. Shortly after I had to go lay down because the pain did not stop.  After lying down for a while I felt like I had to use the washroom so I walked to the bathroom. When nothing was coming out, I felt this pressure as though something was coming out of me and I felt down. There was a bulge of something. I screamed for Josh. I told him something was coming out of me and asked him to look. He said no. I told him to look again because I could feel it. He looked shocked. We rushed back to the hospital and when I was trying to tell them what had happened I started bawling, I knew something was wrong. I was taken back to the small room; heart rate checked and then put in another room. When I was asked to undress I noticed the panty liner in my underwear was soaked with blood. I began to panic. I could still feel the bulge and that I was bleeding. My legs were shaking like crazy. The doctor came in and felt, he said he felt the head, that I was in labor and need to be rushed to the Royal Alexander in Edmonton. I was sent by ambulance. My mother, who was visiting in Vegreville at the time and lives in Edmonton, came in the ambulance with me because Josh and I both knew he could get there faster behind me then she could.

 When we got there one of the nurses hooked me up to a Doppler and they listened to his heart. I could feel him kicking the whole time. Then we were rushed to the delivery room and had an ultrasound. My cervix was open and the membrane was coming out, bringing baby with it. They told me they would try to hold off labor and inject steroids in me to help him grow in the morning, so he has a better chance. They tilted my head towards the ground to take the pressure off my cervix in hopes to buy some time. Then they gave me a shot of morphine and a catheter and left. All we could do now was wait.

The pain never went away. It was continuous. Josh took my mom home, and all I remember was praying and praying Bentley wouldn't come before he got back. I asked my nurse for a pillow to support my side and when I would finally get comfortable, the pain would get worse, making it unbearable to cope. All I could do was think. Left there with my thoughts I wondered why, how. 

Josh returned, and no baby yet, thank god! Josh held my hand for a little while and I asked him to go get me some ice to chew on. I chewed a few pieces every few minutes. Suddenly I got this strange feeling. I told him to get a nurse because I felt very uncomfortable. The OB came in and said probably within the next three hours we would have a baby. The pressure I was feeling felt different, felt like I could feel it pushing itself out. I felt the membrane again. I made Josh go get my nurse. The nurse came in and as she was looking to see if she could see the membrane, my water broke. I remember hearing "he's right there, I see the head! Josh push the red button!" Before I knew it he was right there. Several nurses and women from the neonatal unit arrived.

At 4:28 am on January 3 2011 Bentley Micheal Perepeletza was born. He lived for ten minutes but was loved for an eternity. When I close my eyes I can still see him, squirming and grabbing. He is perfect. Josh and I looked at one another and both said how small he is and how much we love him but don't want him to suffer. The doctor cut his cord and whisked him away. Then we literally had five seconds to decide whether or not to revive him. It took everything we had to decide not to. I wanted to remember him just like that. Our only demand was to hold him right away.

We took our time with Bentley before we called anyone. I took a picture with my phone and messaged the people who were close to us through the pregnancy and announced his birth. They were shocked, asked who's baby it was, and insisted he was not mine, not yet. I calmed myself down enough to call my mom and tell her I had givin birth to our son. She was devestated and upset that she left so early. She was mad at herself for not staying. I told her that when he can, Josh will pick her up and bring her to the hospital again. Josh bought us breakfast sandwichs from the Tim Hortons in the cafeteria and we ate together. One of the texts I sent was to my best friend Tina. She was crushed, in disbelief she cried. When I called I asked her to stop by the hospital before school that morning. She ensured me she'd be there.

The nurse brought in a memorial box for us along with a teddy bear and a little blue hat and balnket perfect for Bentley. We did his foot and handprints for keepsakes. We cuddled him together, we cried and smiled. We gazed at him like time had frozen. We rocked him and talked to him. Nurtered him and enjoyed him.

When Tina arrived Josh left to go get my mom. As soon as I seen her, I cried. I was happy to see her but devestated. The last time we saw one another we were maternity clothe shopping, so excited. Her mother came too, along with our friend Megan. She was amazing and very supportive. Tina's mom is like a second mother to me. I love her with all my heart and I know it was devestating for her to see me hurting so bad, but I was greatful she was there. They all comforted me. She saw the hat and blanket the hospital gave us and encouraged me to put it on and wrap him in it. I told him he is the most handsome boy I have ever seen and more perfect then I could imagine. I was getting sore; I had been lying down since the hospital in Vegreville, so I decided to take a short walk around the maternity floor to stretch. It was hard to hear the babies heart's that were being monitored, just hours ago I could hear Bentley's. Tina and Megan had decided to go to the Tim Horton’s in the cafeteria and get some munchies. They brought me back a cappuccino and a teddy bear and carnations from the gift shop. It was incredibly thoughtful. We had a good visit, she got to hold him and love him just as we did and she and mom were upset to leave.

I was happy when my mom came. I needed her and so did Josh. I can't describe how it felt to see her so sad. When she walked in and saw me holding my son, her baby’s baby, her grandson in my arms and how heartbroken I was, it destroyed her. She was our biggest supporter through the pregnancy. She enjoyed every minute feeling him kick and seeing our smiles and excitement. She was there for our first ultrasound when we saw our little boy for the first time. She had walked the baby isles of Wal-Mart with us, looking at all the baby clothes and items we wanted. It's as though she felt warmth at the peace in his face.

Saying goodbye was the hardest part. We had taken off the hat and blanket to keep for ourselves, but wrapped in so gently in a soft blanket. We kissed him a million times, said we love you and cried. We took as many last pictures as we could and when we finally could, we kissed him a few last times, took deep breathes, place him sweetly in the basinet and tried with everything we had to walk away. Not even out the door and we wanted to run back and pick him up. Walking through the hall I felt dysfunctional. I imagined this walk, but with smiles and a car seat...

The ride home felt impossible. We had been up all night and I was exhausted. But I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to think about my baby. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and go back. I wanted to remember everything.  I couldn't focus. I didn't know what to say, what to do or how to act.

 The shock itself was unbearable. I felt like I was dreaming the whole time and it only continued. I begged to wake up and be lying beside Josh, pregnant. Unfortunately, it's real. I still feel like I'll wake up, like it's all one big nightmare. I miss him; there are no words to describe the way I feel. I never want to feel like this again. Everything was supposed to be perfect. We had set up the crib, bought his first outfit, the car seat and stroller, there was no way this was fate. But here I am, babyless, watching all these mothers with the opportunities I never got. I'm sad, lonely and disappointed. I run it over in my head over and over. Everything I could have done differently. I never wanted this. But our son Bentley Micheal was Budded on Earth to Bloom in Heaven. <3